Ah, dairy. Why do you hate me so? I've only loved you and cherished you all my life. Sure, there was that period in college when I ignored you for two months... but I learned my lesson and came crawling back to you. And how have you reacted? You rejected me, made me sick and gassy. No wonder my intestines grew intolerant of you.

But we had an understanding. I knew our relationship could never be like the way it was. I understood it. I gave you your space, satisfied my urges with that slutty soy... as long as I could come back to you as ice cream and cream cheese and cheesecake. I thought you were slowing warming up to me again.

But no. You've drawn your line. I understand now. But how could you enlist half-n-half into our little war now? Poor innocent half-n-half. I only sought it out to accompany me in some coffee. It was nothing serious, just some innocent fun. But now you've turned it against me. Made me nauseous. I had to spend hours with club soda today just to recover from the beating it gave me.

Well, it's war now. Half-n-half will no longer come anywhere near my coffee. Soy is my mistress now! So there!

(weep) But at least yogurt is strong enough not to take sides. So dairy... I'll see you next time through yogurt. But know this... this war ain't over!