Now that my internship's over, I now have no more excuses about finding a full-time job or at least preparing myself for a full-time job. Whateley's threatening to take the coaxial cables with him when he leaves for work so that TV won't be a temptation for me. And while I do have to agree that it is a major temptation, especially with TiVo, I'm not someone with absolutely no self-control that I can't tear myself away from the TV. No, I've got other issues, and TV is only a symptom.

My biggest, stupidest issue, I'm afraid, is that I know that it'll take a lot of hard work to succeed in this business, and even then I might still fail, so a part of me is afraid of working hard only to have it lead to nowhere. But there's the stupidity of it. If I don't work hard, then I'm guaranteed to fail. So I swear, I need to give myself a Tony-Robbins-pep-talk everyday just to remind myself that I am dooming myself to failure by not working hard.

What can I say, self-motivation has always been hard for me. It's been a little more successful if I have an outside influence telling me what to do. But that has its drawbacks because what they want me to do (e.g. a teacher) isn't necessarily what I need to do, and in the end, when the outside influence is gone, I'm still left with low self-motivation.

And I know how to solve my problems, I do! I just have to do stuff. Plain and simple.


On a diffent note, last Tuesday Whateley and I went to The Stinking Rose in Beverly Hills. I didn't think it was possible, but I think I had too much garlic in one sitting. I remember wanting to go when I was in Berkeley, but never got a chance to. It was fun. Perhaps after we've recovered, we'll go again. Anyone who's a garlic-lover, though, I totally recommend checking them out. But I'd watch it on the garlic relish at the table. I didn't realize that raw garlic is potent, and my tonsils felt like they were on fire.

Wow, lots of posts this week. I've got a lot on my mind, and it hasn't helped that I haven't had a day off in nine days (and won't for three more days!).

So here I am, sitting in a dark room at Zoic, some people around, and it's basically my last day. I get to come in once more for an evaluation, but that's it. My time here is kaput. It's kinda sad... even though I really won't miss the runs. (I don't mean diarrhea, I mean the delivering.)

What's next? Don't know. Through that friend that got me the freelance gig, he gave me some more work which might not end up paying since they might be impossible-to-track shots, and they pay by the shot, not the hour. But other than that, I'm officially on the prowl for a full-time job. And I'm still trying to get a job at Whateley's company. So far, no word, but then the guy's been on vacation for a week.

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The thought that's been plagueing my mind lately is whether or not I want to go the freelance route. I mean, if I don't get any more gigs, then my choice is made for me. But I did a pretty good job on that G-Unit stuff, and I've got a good chance that this place will call me again if any more tracking work comes up. And through that friend I've got more leads on possible tracking jobs in the future.

But that's what's annoying. It's all in the future and it's all uncertain. And I'm not even talking about actually getting the job. But whatever the case, if I end up with a job at Whateley's company, I don't want to just quit on them, since they are a major game company and I want to end up in their art department ASAP, and I don't want to ruin my chances with any bad blood. So if I end up working there, I'll be working steadily doing non-artistic but entry-level stuff for a company I want to work for. But if I go the freelance route, I'll be doing actual artistic stuff (stuff I can put on my reel), but I'd have to do temp work (or worse, retail...) in between to keep a cash flow going. It's a risk, a bet, but I have to go one way or the other, because in the world of freelance, you don't get to put in a two week's notice. They call you and you can either do it or not, at the time they want you or not. Like I said, I don't want there to be any bad blood between me and Whateley's company. And quitting in a hurry can create bad blood.

So if the world-wide-web-audience want to chime in an offer some thoughts or suggestions, please go ahead and comment!

Awww, no one but Beno even ventured a guess. Well, it's G-Unit. Who? Apparently it's 50-cent's crew. He even appears in the video, even though I didn't recognize him. The three girls in the video are basically seen sitting or standing next to the guys a bopping. Like... I'm just hanging out, standing around, bopping to the music that this guy is singing right next to me... with two other girls... and we're all wearing sexy little black numbers and showing off our legs.

Anyway, I was thinking as I was working on the shots... do these girls want to be there? I mean, was their goal as they embarked upon their acting/modeling/singing/whatever career was to be a skimpy chick in a hip-hop video? Is it like Kelly Bundy from "Married with Children" who, as she got a job doing modeling or something or other, said, "Next stop, slut in a Bon Jovi video."

On the other hand, these girls get paid hundreds (or even thousands) of dollars per day just to stand around and bop and look pretty, so maybe I should shut up.

I'll post the link once the video's up, but considering that they're shooting Mary J. Blige's segments tomorrow, I doubt it'll be up soon. Maybe two more weeks. Turnaround's quick for a music video.

Soooo friggin' tired... yet very content.

Whateley can attest that I had a long whine session about the state of my lack of career not too long ago. Anyway, I was all set to march into Zoic and quit my internship (it's been 5 months, so technically it's over anyway), and then out of the blue I find two of my friends working there! Well, actually, another friend told me they were, but I hadn't known until the night before.

Anyway, they're doing matchmoving and camera-tracking, which I totally could have done! I just didn't think to ask. Anyway, then one of them (who has been working freelance for about a year now) offers me this freelance gig he had to turn down cuz he was working at Zoic. I'm like, hell yeah! After he gave them my number and then after they called me hours later, I set it up... and I had to call out sick at the cafe... I had my first day on a freelance gig! It's 3D camera tracking, which is basically where you get a footage with a moving camera, and you have to recreate the camera move and environment in a 3D program.

Yeah, it's a short gig, only about three days, but it's my very first paid visual effects job! And does it pay! Considering that they're not paying me that much by industry standards, I'm still making more in three days than I do in one month at the cafe.

It was damn cool. And time does fly by when you're not on your feet all day. Of course, my eyes hurt now, but I think part of that's from the lack of sleep. Let's just say, it's been awhile since I touched that program, there were a lot of things I still didn't know, and spent 4 hours the night before watching tutorials. But I figured it out! I think I actually did some quality work.

So yay me! I'm still uncertain as to the future of my career, but it sure feels good to have some professional work under my belt. I'm not sure if I want to be a freelancer since work is very unsteady now, but with this, it's definitely an option, even with just this tiny studio.

What was I working on? I'll give you a hint: it was a music video with a black guy in a suit, a hip-hop black guy in jeans, sideways cap, a big shirt with a big chain, and three scantily clad women dancing around. Hahahahahaha. Hey, whatever pays the bills, man. I ain't here to judge.

On the salmon note, the salmon burgers says that they're made from "wild alaskan salmon." I'm not sure how much of that is true. But they can't lie on the packaging, right? And we also bought canned salmon. I don't remember what kind of salmon is in it. Sooo... wild salmon... okay to eat more than twice a month?

Speaking of Costco, why do they gotta have such lousy hours?

Back then after I told my parents that Whateley and I were engaged and wanted to tie the knot in Vegas, my mom asked me why I had to get married there, and after I replied it was cheap and easy, she asked why it had to be cheap and easy and why couldn't we wait until our careers had started and we could save up enough money to have a more expensive wedding in SoCal. My response had been, we want to get married now and I didn't want to wait until my career settled.

Good thing I did, actually, since my internship is winding down without a job prospect in sight, and my job search for a foot-in-the-door is not going well. At this rate, if we had waited, we wouldn't have been even able to set a date by now.

(And to make it worse, I wouldn't even qualify for Whateley's health plan that he is now qualified for which will kick in as soon as the higher-ups get around to making up the paperwork.)

So how goes the job search? Crappy. Crappy crappy crappy.

Part of my problem is what Whateley and I discussed briefly today: we are both not willing to sacrifice our time together to focus on our careers. However, I've also realized that we do need to set aside some time at least to focus on it, or else I'll be whining about lack of job prospects for years to come. Anyway, the point is that we both want family to be first. Now, we're not going to squirt out a kid anytime soon, but we both want our careers to be such that when the time comes, we can afford kids and still have time for them.

My other issue is that I'm always frickin' tired. My failed attempt at donating blood last week showed that I was 1% below acceptable iron levels, which is okay but bordering on anemic. My sleep pattern is weird due to our weird schedule, which means that we're going to sleep when the earliest commuters are waking up, and sleeping through most of the morning/early afternoon. And apparently, my being able to sleep like the dead doesn't pass over to Whateley as soon as we got married. So we're always griping about being tired.

(On that iron note, Whateley now thinks I'm crazy and obsessed over raising my iron levels but has consented to buying salmon burgers at Costco, which he has admitted tastes "not fishy." All I can say is, salmon's good for you. Now I'm trying to figure out how to donate blood without driving all over southern California.)

Update: Just got the call. Didn't get the job. I needed more technical experience. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

I called, left a message this morning, no word yet. So....

I applied to be the gnome's co-worker today. It would majorly suck if I can't get a job there. And once they get their new building, it might get easier to schmooze with their art department.

It hasn't been too busy at my internship. The kitchen lady (who's more of a kitchen-and-all-around-custodian-lady) didn't come in today, so the receptionists gave me the task to empty out any full waste baskets. I agreed with a smile but fell a little pissy inside. I went up to the other intern (who was next to an artistic supervisor) that I went to 7.5 years of college to take out the trash of a visual effects company. (The artistic supervisor then remarked that he's a community college drop-out. Heh. But he's cool, so that statement was a bit funny.)

Anyway, Whateley called not too long after, so I vented to him, to which he replied, "Why didn't you use that as an excuse to talk to the artists?" I could've killed him. Why? Cuz he was right. (I hate it when he does that.)

I mean, I don't need an excuse to talk to the artists, they know I'm an intern and they fully expect someone like me to talk to them. But here's one thing I found about myself awhile ago. I'm a coward and non-confrontational. And while there's absolutely nothing confrontational about talking to artists, I feel shy. Like I'm bothering them. There's another intern who's so much better at this. His artistic skills are so-so (pretty good but I'm not sure if it's good enough... either that or his reel doesn't really reflect his skillz) but he's so comfortable just approaching people and talking with them. Me? I can fake it. And I can chat very well in a networking/forced-to-socialize setting. But when it comes to talking to people while they work.... Ugh. I had to pick an industry that requires networking like mad.

So in the end, they will take a chance on the gregarious intern with the so-so skills, but I don't think they'll take a chance on an intern whom they've only gotten to know as the delivery girl. Sigh.

I should rename this blog as "Sigh." I seem to do that a lot.